the now

i need to start focusing on the present. so many times i find myself stressing over the future or dwelling on the past, but i do not have control of either. yes i am someone who over analyzes everything, which i know contributes to the stress. i do know, however, that i am doing much better. the depression. a time when i really was not myself. not anymore. i am me. i honestly feel more myself than ever. i grew up. unfortunately it took many mistakes and life lessons to get here. but i have arrived. and have never been happier. never been happier to be myself.

so the superficial stuff:

finishing school soon. philosophy. finally. perhaps grad school in education or logic. hmm not sure, i always change my mind. i just don't want to look back on my life and regret missing out on life's many opportunities. i do want to settle down, i have found the love of my life, it is just a matter of timing. went camping for the first time in 15 years. and i must say it was an experience. the highlight: shooting roaches with a beebee gun. making memories. one of my favorite pass times. still working at the credit union and probably will be for awhile. it has its ups and downs.

till the next rambling.

stubborn

boy is it fun talking to a wall. talking to a one-sided stubborn ass. i hate when you talk to me with the underlying message:  you are wrong and i am right. it seems no matter what i say you cannot see past your own opinion, even when it is wrong. i hate your stubborness. i hate talking to you knowing it is not going anywhere because your perspective is always right and you can never see mine. part of compromise is seeing both sides, seeing all angles; whether they agree with yours or not. what happened to our compromise? what happened to our meet me half way? meeting me half way requires you actually making an effort to understand what i am saying and not just putting me down for not agreeing with you. i hate that you don't do that. i hate that i see your side, but you never see mine. i hate that i have to constantly ask you if you understand, but if i didn't you wouldn't or wouldn't even care. i hate that because you are having a bad day we are both having a bad day. well shit my life isn't the easiest either, especially when i need to deal with an immature, ignorant, stubborn bastard. a relationship is not a one person team. honestly, sometimes i feel like telling you "grow the fuck up!" isn't that ironic. i  hate that i comprmise myself to be there for you, because sometimes it sure as hell feels like you wouldn't do the same. am i worth you stepping off your pedestal and admitting that you are wrong? are we worth it?

the past is the past

some things never change. some people never change. i am not like that anymore, i do not do that any more, nor do i wish to.the thought never crosses my mind. goodness i have changed, for the better. i suppose it is always better to move forward through life instead of staying at a standstill. i have grown. i am no longer that ignorant girl who rebelled in an effort to find herself. i am myself and although that includes my past, it also includes the present and the future. for a long time i dwelled on what i could not control, and longed to go back in time to correct and heal all the mistakes i made. but that is behind me. i have found my voice, my place, my complete understanding of me.

and that transcends all the mistakes i have made in the past.

looking bright

things have been going good. no fights. well minimal, i guess we are just appreciating one another. heh. i do love him. on another note it looks like i am going to have to work my butt off the next couple of semesters if i want to finish any time soon. oh well, i just got to do what it i got to do. it may not be fun, but the end result will definitely be worth it. goodness i might even be able to turn it into a double major, since i am going to be sticking around for a little while longer. after i graduate is another subject though... i always say i am not going to settle. but would it be settling if i am truly happy? more thought is needed on this.hmm.

so i am bored at work and decided to catch up a little. i realized i am going to be 23 soon and that may still be young, but shit it seems like time is just flying by and i haven't even finished my bachelors yet.

oh the trivialness, sometimes i irritate myself. conform to unconform.

an inner upheaval

i will refrain from the usual "it has been awhile" introduction and just belt. my mind is numb. and i hate to complain, but i have been feeling this way for a while. i think it is due to the fact that i just went through finals, and it is only going to get better next semester. sarcasm. shit this is the way i feel: two semesters to freedom. but even that is a shaky statement. it seems like i have been in school for a long time, and i have. but i was fooling around then and took my time the first couple years. with reasons. most of which many are aware of. that was then. and although it has been said before: i am now a new person. those of you who wish to believe me can. those of you who don't, fuck off. i am tired of that negativity, mostly within myself. so my past hurts, so i hurt others, so i hurt myself, but i have moved on. perhaps you should too.

anyways. maybe masters. maybe not. philosophy for now. i do not want to, nor will i sell my self short though. so if it is on my path to get my masters i will, if not i am sure some other journey will do just fine. and maybe that statement is proof in itself that i have grown. not settled, but grown. i have learned to accept the events in my life and not fight them. that doesn't mean i just let life handle me. i still have a grip and a choice. i just choose to let things be, instead of fighting the current. an understanding between me and life.